Foiled by Window Dressing
by Eternal Contradiction
Summary: Curtains: 350. Women’s Apparel: 59. Can of soup: 1.25. Watching Heero doing HouseWifey things in low riding jeans: PRICELESS. Though I would pay a lot of money to see it. Some things, money can buy, others, you have to be Relena.


This is for aeris eithne and her challenge on 1xR LJ community. She wanted: You must include a scene in a store dressing room, shopping for curtains, and... Heero doing the cooking. It should all be there, plus more.

Author: RelenaFanel

Title: Foiled by Window Dressing

Rated: R. For sex scene- go to Live Journal, or BlissfulIgnorance. Links will be provided in profile.

Disclaimer: Short-n-sweet. I don't own Gundam Wing.

Summary: Curtains: $350; Women's Apparel: $59; Can of soup: $1.25; Watching Heero doing House-Wifey things in low riding jeans: PRICELESS. (Though I would pay a lot of money to see it). Some things, money can buy, others, you have to be Relena.

* * *

"What do you think of this one?" Relena asked, fingering an off-white curtain which was so plain, it wouldn't drape nicely over her windows, keep out any mass quantities of sunlight, or compliment any of the furniture and carpets. Surprisingly, she had been living together with Heero for a few weeks now and it was going pleasantly well. If only they could agree on the curtains, of all things. 

"No pink," Heero grunted, barely even looking at her selection.

"What are you? Colorblind? That is obviously not pink," Relena responded, finally aggravated to a point of waspishness. She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him. First, he had vetoed the beautiful forest green ones with the sheer scarf valance because she could trip over the inch or so draping stylishly over their hardwood floor. Then, he had refused the pinch-pleated drapes in a shade of steel blue, which would have matched his eyes nicely, on the basis that they were unstable and would have fallen on her. Relena thought he just didn't like them.

"It isn't white, either," Heero pointed out.

"Eugh!" Relena grunted, throwing her arms up in the air for emphasis on her frustration. "Why don't you just go pick out some plain white blinds. Make everything look utile instead of interesting, stylish, or even pretty." Later, she could buy some real curtains to hang over whatever he picked out and hope he didn't notice until they were already in place. She knew, that he would probably chop off some of the bottom if he thought they were too long, or get out the nails and hammer if he honestly thought the curtains were unstable. Life was about compromise, she figured, and the two of them were the least compromising people she knew. Seriously, Relena was amazed they had made it to the 4-week point in the cohabitation without seriously coming to blows over something mundane. But, curtains? That was a new low.

Heero merely nodded at her suggestion of blinds, not giving any of his convoluted safety-hazard reasons not to get them. He grabbed a box off the shelf, one he had obviously been eyeing while she had been debating the merits of silk versus cotton, and swung it around to place it in the cart. Relena had to dodge out of the way before he smacked her with the box. Better for her well-being, indeed. It didn't escape her observational skills, however, that he seemed rather content with his choice, as if he had been waiting for her to suggest it first. Well, if he wanted blinds, she could do without frills and silk, though maybe he would allow her the valances to swathe over the top.

It was somewhat frightening how rapidly she was becoming a good little housewife.

"I'm going clothing shopping," she muttered as he started towards the cash. She needed to get away from him before she offered to give up her four-post, king sized bed in return for a military issue cot, or any other luxuries Heero thought they didn't need. Of course, he had seemed rather impressed with her bed, so maybe that wasn't a good example. Actually, he REALLY liked the bed. He'd probably kill anyone who tried to replace it.

"Check store for any possible suspects before entering." Heero told her, barely even blinking an eye at the weight of three boxes of his precious blinds. She noticed he had a forest green one in there, and couldn't help but almost smile. Of course, he ruined the moment by continuing his lecture. "Do not enter the changing rooms, as you could be easily cornered."

Right. By the ghost of bad fashion. Like his spandex and green tank for instance.

"Don't stray too…"

"Fine, dad." Relena interrupted him haughtily, sounding exactly like the child he was treating her like. She huffed, turning on her heel and began to walk away.

Heero looked startled for a moment, but recovered quickly. "Take Guido with you," Heero called out, gesturing to a hulking behemoth of a man loitering in the toiletry section.

Relena rolled her eyes. Leave it to Heero to have Preventor agents stationed all over the mall after she finally convinced him to take her. She stomped off, knowing that she was being followed by an Italian with a bad perm. Since it wasn't like Heero to bring attention to her guards, she figured he had been subtly giving this Luigi guy an order. That man was so infuriating. Relena entered the first fully woman's clothing store she could buy and randomly grabbed something off the shelf, basing her choice on color alone. She scurried into the back, hoping Mario didn't follow her into the store, and wouldn't insist on entering the changing rooms like one particularly obstinate body guard of hers had. She was now living with said man, so her situation really hadn't improved that much.

At least she wasn't trying to give her guard the slip this time. She only wanted a few minutes on her own so she could calm down after the brief confrontation with Heero. He always left her feeling so infuriated and horny that she didn't know which context she wanted to jump him in. She stared at the piece of clothing in her hand, wondering what the chances were that she actually grabbed something she both liked and in her size. Very nil, she decided, wondering what exactly it was in her hand. There was cloth, at least, unlike some of the horrid outfits she had seen in the past, and there were straps, but for the life of her she couldn't figure out what it was she was holding. She took off her shirt anyway, knowing that when Heero found her, she could use the old 'half naked in here' excuse to stop him from opening the curtain of the changing room.

5.

She stared at herself in the mirror, liking the way her stomach concaved as she pulled her shirt over her head.

4.

Relena flicked her hair over her shoulder, the highlights catching in even the dim light in the small box-like room she was in.

3.

She held the unidentifiable cloth up in front of her, trying to see if it was a shirt.

2.

No. Not a shirt. She lowered it, turning to see her profile in the mirror.

1.

Damn, she was sexy.

0.

"Relena!" Heero's voice echoed through the store.

"Here," she called, sighing because he was so predictable, but also grinning because he was so hers. "But I'm naked, so you can't come in," she lied.

Heero parted the curtain, squeezing into the room with her. She glared at him indignantly. "Heero!"

"You aren't naked." He pointed out, invading her personal space.

"That isn't the point." She squeaked as he pressed her against the flimsy wall.

"Did you check the room for possible dangers?" Relena almost expecting him to pull out his gun and start sweeping for terrorists.

"That isn't the point either," she replied hotly. "Get out!" She glared at him, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Are you finished?" He asked.

Relena was tempted to forcibly kick him out and then hang around for as long as she could, but since she really didn't have anything to try on, she knew he wouldn't leave it alone. Why hadn't she grabbed everything in sight on her way back? "Yes," she told him with another sigh, moving around him so she could leave first. He let her, even though she could tell he was thinking of all the possible harm which could come to her. Guano was probably out there right now, intimidating the salesclerks with his presence.

"I don't suppose you know what this is?" She asked him, holding up the shirt she had tried to put on but failed. Her hand slipped naturally into his as they passed Guido balancing all the boxes of blinds with far less grace than Heero had.

"A purse?" Heero asked, raising an eyebrow.

Yeah, Heero was right as always, somehow even having a better understanding of women's apparel than she did. Relena looked at it again, seeing an obvious purse-shape there. It was like one of those Where's Waldo books she had looked at as a child, where Waldo's position was obvious only after you found him. Embarrassed, she tossed the purse on to a sales table. Even though it was adorable, and would probably go well with half her clothes, she didn't want a reminder…

On second thought, she did want it. She turned around, dragging Heero back to the cash with her. He followed without complaint, hands still entwined.

,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,

"Are you cooking?" Relena asked, as she walked through the door. She had just finished peeing and figuring out which rooms were designated to have to ugly white blinds Heero seemed to love so much. Whatever the scent of his cooking, it was hanging in the air like the noxious cloud around a dumpster, and churned her stomach. She had assumed Heero could do everything. Apparently he couldn't. She walked over beside him, slipping her hand inside of the silly pink apron he was wearing. Her fingers slid over his chest, gliding over the hard muscles beneath his shirt. He stopped her movements when she reached his belt.

"Not now," he said, brandishing a stirring spoon as if it would save the world.

Relena shrugged, turning to look into his pot. "What are you making?" She asked him, trying her best to breathe in and out of her mouth. "Some kind of glue to hold the blinds up?"

"Pea soup," he growled, stirring the thick liquid with the Heero version of a petulant pout.

"Is it supposed to be that color?" She asked, looking closer at the vile concoction.

"Rel-"

"It looks like vomit."

"Rel-"

"Smells like it too," she pointed out sweetly.

"It's supposed to," he grumbled, putting down the spoon and turning off the stove. She wondered if she had made him lose his appetite.

"I know," she said as she picked up the can it had been in. Master chef he was not. "I have had pea soup before, but never anything expected to expire in 30 years."

Heero glared.

"You could have microwaved this," Relena informed him, pointing to the 'heat-n-serve' label on the can. "It would have been easier." She was going to point out it wouldn't have needed an apron, but then again, heating soup on a stove didn't need one either.

"It would boil over and I would need to clean up the mess." Heero efficiently removed his apron.

"We have a maid for that," Relena responded offhandedly, frowning in confusion as only people who grew up with hired servants do when they come across someone who did their own domestic work.

"We have a maid?" Heero asked.

"Don't we?"

"Do we?"

"Yes," Relena snapped her fingers, finally remembering. "Her name is Paula."

Heero paused from where he was pouring soup into a large bowl. "Then why did you let me vacuum yesterday?"

Relena grinned slyly. "It was fun to watch." It had been too. His strong, lean hands had controlled the machine swiftly, and though his movements had been efficient, they had also been oddly graceful. Plus, it was always amusing to watch him do the house-wifey things.

Heero raised an eyebrow at her, and took a spoonful of his lunch.

"Did you make any for me?" Relena asked, sitting across the table from him.

"It smells like vomit," Heero pointed out. "Looks like it, too. You wouldn't like it."

He was a hundred percent right on that one. She stood up, leaning over to kiss his cheek quickly. "I'm gonna take a shower."

Twenty-five minutes and a clean head later, Relena walked out of the bathroom wearing a towel and a relaxed grin. Heero was in the bedroom, balanced on a step-ladder as he put up his new blinds. She eyed the nice view of his ass on perfect level with her sight, and the straight line of his strong back as he reached and stretched for the hammer. The blinds themselves might be shudder-worthy, but watching him try to put them up was definitely not. Well, maybe another kind of shuddering altogether. His the muscles in his forearms flexed noticeably as he lifted the hammer over his head.

They probably had servants who would do this too, she mused with a grin as she said nothing.

Relena stripped off her towel, throwing it in with the other dirty linens. "Once you're done with those, do you want to have sex against them?" She asked him casually just as he was swinging the hammer down on the nail.

"Son of a-" Heero cursed as the hammer rammed into his wrist with enough force to drive it through the drywall. After his initial reaction, he simply looked at the damage mildly, yanking his hand out of the gaping hole as if it were nothing, and then proceeded to tap the nail into the wall.

Relena's eyes widened. She didn't know whether to be incredibly impressed, or concerned. Finally, figuring he would be fine despite the fact that hammer whack would have floored a normal man, and since he was almost done anyway, she turned towards her dresser. It wouldn't do for him to catch her gratuitously staring at his butt. At some point, he had taken off his belt and his pants were now riding lower on his hips. The practical part of her wondered if he would trip over them on his way down the ladder. The more practical part of her just enjoyed the view. Relena grabbed one of Heero's t-shirts out of a drawer, relishing the idea that she could more than she actually needed the shirt itself, and slipped it on over her head to act as lounge-wear.

"Come here," Heero said, grabbing her around the waist and pulling her sharply against the now-covered window. "What was that you promised?"

Relena's shriek of surprise was muffled by the shirt now tangled hopelessly around her head and arms.

.x.x.x. (see profile for links to sex scene)

When they were finished frolicking, Relena brushed her hand under his bangs tenderly, finally able to see enough to know they weren't going to be able to stay upright for very much longer. "The floor," she whispered, thoroughly exhausted now that they were finished. Hero would probably like to claim that he lowered them both gently to the floor, but he dropped like a sack of potatoes once she made the suggestion, having enough control to ensure he landed first. Relena jarred her elbow against the hardwood and briefly wondered if there would be a charming bruise there in the morning. Her body hummed and ached pleasantly and she wasn't able to stifle the grin on her face from excellent sex. She rolled so her head was against his shoulder and they both stared up at the ceiling.

She glanced at the blinds and couldn't help but burst out laughing. The quaking of her body took up far too much energy too soon. The blades of Heero's new blinds were bent at obvious angles from where her rear had been pressed against the window, and there was a vague, body-like shape visible. "We need new blinds," she told him.

Heero merely grunted.

"And curtains."

This got his attention, breaking him out of his silence. "Why?"

"To cover the hole where your hand went through the wall."

"Hn." He replied. "You did that on purpose," he accused her as almost an afterthought.

"Probably," she told him calmly, stretching her legs in post-coital bliss. Her toes brushed against the bottom of the blinds. Something creaked, and there was a groan of nails displacing as the whole window-covering fell away from the glass.

"Mother –" Heero swore, always breaking off the sentence before reaching the really foul words. The effect was the same regardless. Relena shrieked as the green blinds fell on top of them. Heero didn't even move, not bothering to utilize any of his various skills to ensure the evil domestic product didn't harm her. Most of it landed across his legs with a crack.

Heero looked horrified.

Relena giggled. "Curtains wouldn't do that," she pointed out, blinking in the sunlight now streaming in the window. "Do you think anyone can see us?" She asked. She was fond of talking after particularly heated sex. Heero, not the most talkative person in normal circumstances, seemed content just to listen.

"No."

"Do you think anyone could tell when we were having sex against them?" She asked, kicking the blinds from across her legs.

"The window is opened," he replied rationally.

"Right." Relena said. "Heero?"

He didn't bother to reply, probably because he was lying under her at the moment."

"Get out your caboose of love, because I'm re-" Relena started to giggle like mad at the incredulous frown on his face. "Oh, I thought I could get through that with a straight face."

"Caboose of love?" Heero asked. Probably not really wanting to hear how she explained that one.

"Good job you're already naked," she told him, rotating her head towards him for a leisurely kiss. The sunlight glinted of the sunlight in their hair, and on the twin rings encircling their fingers.

©RelenaFanel.June18.2006

Review. Please. Sorry. Removed sex scene because I forgot about policy on them. 2 alternative links are provided in my profile.


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